Wishing and Hoping and Wondering

Sometime next week, I am supposed to see "HIM", Mr. Lickable, Mr. Pie a la Mode. He is supposed to be passing through town and has said he will stop by my work on the way/at some point that day.

Part of me is totally excited and part of me is TOTALLY FREAKING OUT! I feel like doomsday is arriving, any second now, the sun will go supernova and the earth will explode.

I know only one thing, I must look smokin' for him....if he is going to end this, I want to look so hot that he questions his motivations and wonders if he is doing the right thing. So, I spent the weekend clothes shopping (ugh) for a really nice short black skirt. Short enough to show off my legs, make me look sexy, but long enough that it will pass muster at work.

On the one hand, I am totally excited that I might see him, but on the other, I am worried that he is going to use this meeting as an excuse to finally break it off with me. Not that much is going on at this point. Since the whole "web cam" fiasco (jeepers it was just a question, not the Spanish inquisition) and me going from feeling like a cyber mistress to a $10 ho that got gypped out of her $10 in the space of a few minutes, I have been waiting around like a bitch in heat for his next sex related e-mail, but to no avail. I was told that he needed time, that he doesn't like feeling good about it one minute, then guilty the next, but that was a month ago and no more "sex talk" from him. Now, I may have an advanced degree, but why am I so stupid not to realize that a month is a long time not to want to flirt/have cyber sex with a girl and that if I were not so desperate for this guy's attentions I would realize that that probably means he's not interested in me anymore.

Either way, I am totally frustrated that while he isn't sending me flirty e-mails anymore or even e-mailing my "alter ego" account anymore, he is still e-mailing me stuff at my work e-mail. It has me totally confused! Of course, he can't say that much in my work e-mails and the frustration is that neither can I, especially since I have to be REALLY careful what I send in my work e-mail, but again....if he just wanted to totally break it off, why even bother replying or sending me an e-mail with a question in it that he knows I'll answer to my work e-mail. Why not just not e-mail at all??? Then I would definitely take the hint.

And all this just makes me feel stupid. Makes me feel like I trusted too much, that I opened myself up to much, that he has all the power. It makes me feel angry with myself that I let him know how much I like him and desire him (which was fine when he was fully engaged, but now makes me upset with myself because I don't know if he just wants to dump me and doesn't know how and I feel so stupid).

Part of me holds out hope that he really does like me and is just struggling or really too afraid to e-mail from home anymore for fear that the wife will find out, but the other part of me feels used, like he got what he wanted and just doesn't know how to extricate himself because we do occassionally work together.

It makes me feel less and less desirable every day. It makes me feel like a used tissue still stuck to someone's shoe after they've left the lavatory. I hate myself for liking him so much, for wanting him so much, for trusting him so much, for revealing too much of myself to him.

Part of me just wants to crawl in a hole and part of me wants to figure out where to go to safely find some anonymous cyber buddy (who I never met/knew in person) and just have a casual cyber fling with just to make me feel better about myself again.

I know not many people read this, but if you have any advice out there I'll take it.

In the meantime, I want to see him, I want him to tell me what's going on (even if I don't want to hear anything like "I don't want this anymore", even if I don't want to be the person getting dumped or rejected) and at the same time I am so afraid of what will happen....I want him to want me.....why doesn't he want me?

I feel like Meg Ryan in "When Harry Met Sally" when she finds out her ex is marrying the transitional girl. "What's wrong with me?, Why doesn't he want me?"